Arrggghhh.....!!! I'm having a relapse! (Where have you been my archangel? Don't leave me be!) It's like a sniper attack - swift, sudden and deadly...I don't know when it hit me but I'm bearing the casualties. All the negative feelings returns. Engulfed with sadness and anger I cried all the way while sending Izz to school. Upon arrival at the school, I had to take few deep breaths and my knuckles are already turning white from gripping the stroller's handle tightly in order to hold the tears in. Returned the library book, talk briefly to Wendy about Luke stepping on Izz's lunch yesterday and went back home. The big sunglasses managed to hide my red puffy eyes. I detest failing to keep my emotions in check. I failed to distract my mind although I had a fairly busy week. I managed to finish Digital Fortress yesterday nite itself and moved on to Micheal Connelly - Chasing the Dime, finished mending and hemming Marion's garments (5 pieces of them), wrote 7 pages of my daily pledge (everyday), busied myself with housework but still - my mind managed to deviate to the dark side. Why can't I just chuck all my doldrums in a basket, put a big rock in it and throw it in the sea...? I'm now on the fritz with these nasty visceral feelings that I have. Amour... That's why I kept myself out of the loop for as long as I could, cause I know once I fall in love I'm gonna fall hard and absolute. Unfortunately, I managed to marry a man from the bottom of the percentile - a charlatan. Cupid must be playing tricks on me! I'm in turmoil because my feelings are conflicting. I hate him yet I still love him. Hate the deed not the doer they say. I still cannot comprehend why that feeling still exists after everything that he has done to me and the kids. Am I sappy/sadistic/crazy...? I want him to be the father of my kids yet I don't want him to have anything to do with them? I want to inflict the same pain and suffering to them and yet at the same time I feel guilty for having such malicious thoughts? I can feel and act happy on the outside yet inside I'm bleeding to death? It's something that I can control or think about yet can't stop from feeling? I need a cure for my malaise before I succumb to despair.... Maybe the answer is a new paramour...?
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