Volte Face

He was in a bad mood today... He came back at 230am last nite so he was groggy when Izz woke him up for breakfast. Did not talk much at the table. We only co-exist in the same house and our relationship has been reduced to a landlord and tenant cum maid. Told him need to repair my camera and do some grocery shopping. He said he need to go back to sleep and said we'll go out at 10 something. That's about it, 1 sentence from each of us. We went out at 1030am to Hyperdome Tuggeranong. First stop - K Mart. Izz wanted to go to the toys aisle. Told him to stay there and wait till we come and get him. Went to the electrical department. We could repair the camera but need to pay some service charge. He gave me a sullen look. As if I purposely ruined the camera just to spite him... It's always been like that between us regarding money. We have a parent/child relationship when it comes to money. Since he brings home a bigger slice of the dough he must always have the final say on how we spend his money. If I want to buy anything, even if it's for us/house/family, I have to ask the money from him, justify the purchase and maybe then he will give me the money (after a long lecture bla..bla..bla..) So most of the time I just use my own money, saves me the time and unsolicited advices. Went to look for Izz while he work things out with the salesperson. Izz was showing me the stuffs that he likes. I made a mental note on what to buy him for his birthday. Rosh came and asked if we're done looking. Izz asked if he could get a Hot Wheel. Aish was crying. I was pushing the stroller out of the aisle when suddenly I heard "Stupid good for nothing kid!" and Izz banged into me and fell on the floor. He bawled and clung on to me. I asked Rosh why did he push Izz until he fell to the floor? He said Izz was rude to him and pushed his hand away when he didn't want to buy Izz what he wants. Then he keeps on fuming and took the stroller away from me. I just couldn't believe it! He lost his temper in public and think it's ok to push my son to the ground because he was rude?!! That's it! The love is gone baby! That was the final straw! I'm free! I'm not in conflict anymore... I tried to console Izz and keep my composure. I was so mad I could feel my cheeks burning. Ugh!!! #*@% him... Need to cleanse all this bad aura off me and my kids. At least I'm at peace now. I now know where my heart stands and it's easier for me to carry out all my plans, devious or not. By the way, all my claws are unsheathed now....

Sotto Voce

Arrggghhh.....!!! I'm having a relapse! (Where have you been my archangel? Don't leave me be!) It's like a sniper attack - swift, sudden and deadly...I don't know when it hit me but I'm bearing the casualties. All the negative feelings returns. Engulfed with sadness and anger I cried all the way while sending Izz to school. Upon arrival at the school, I had to take few deep breaths and my knuckles are already turning white from gripping the stroller's handle tightly in order to hold the tears in. Returned the library book, talk briefly to Wendy about Luke stepping on Izz's lunch yesterday and went back home. The big sunglasses managed to hide my red puffy eyes. I detest failing to keep my emotions in check. I failed to distract my mind although I had a fairly busy week. I managed to finish Digital Fortress yesterday nite itself and moved on to Micheal Connelly - Chasing the Dime, finished mending and hemming Marion's garments (5 pieces of them), wrote 7 pages of my daily pledge (everyday), busied myself with housework but still - my mind managed to deviate to the dark side. Why can't I just chuck all my doldrums in a basket, put a big rock in it and throw it in the sea...? I'm now on the fritz with these nasty visceral feelings that I have. Amour... That's why I kept myself out of the loop for as long as I could, cause I know once I fall in love I'm gonna fall hard and absolute. Unfortunately, I managed to marry a man from the bottom of the percentile - a charlatan. Cupid must be playing tricks on me! I'm in turmoil because my feelings are conflicting. I hate him yet I still love him. Hate the deed not the doer they say. I still cannot comprehend why that feeling still exists after everything that he has done to me and the kids. Am I sappy/sadistic/crazy...? I want him to be the father of my kids yet I don't want him to have anything to do with them? I want to inflict the same pain and suffering to them and yet at the same time I feel guilty for having such malicious thoughts? I can feel and act happy on the outside yet inside I'm bleeding to death? It's something that I can control or think about yet can't stop from feeling? I need a cure for my malaise before I succumb to despair....

Maybe the answer is a new paramour...?

The Missing Link...

It's Wednesday. Yes! Sent Izz to school. Packed him tuna sandwich. Determined to finish Dan Brown's Digital Fortress. Got a call from Ana at 1215pm. She sound quite worried. She said Wendy just called her and said that Faris is sick and need to go home. She asked me if it's OK for me to take her car and drive to school to pick up the kids. I said no problem but need some time to organize my stuff. Oh no, the baby seat is in my car. So Ana had to carry Aish on her lap. (Strike one!). Arrived at the school, Wendy was waiting for us by the school gate. Uh..oh! not good... She said Faris was playing on the Monkey Bar and fell. He had a cut on his top of his eyebrow and will need to have some stitches. Ana turned white. We went into the classroom and saw Robyn holding a bleeding Faris on her lap. She was holding an ice pack on his wound. His shirt and pants were covered with blood so I'm guessing the cut must be quite deep. Ana was looking faint and burst into tears when Faris called her so Robyn had to carry him to the car. Ana had to hold Faris on her lap and Izz sat on the booster seat (Strike Two!). I just strap Aish on the seat and prayed that he doesn't wriggle or move around. I had to drive back to the house to take Izz's booster seat as no one is going to hold Aish. On the way back stop by at Ana's house to get her Medibank card, took Izz's booster seat for Aish (Strike Three!) and were on our way to Philip Medical Centre. On the way out we met Ibu Paryanlo and she offered to go with us. We arrived at the Medical Centre around 110pm and went straight to the Receptionist. She looked at Faris and ushered them to the Emergency Room. I stayed there to settle the registration and stuff. She asked for the Medicare Card. I said I only have Medibank since we're foreigners. "Ooh... then you have to pay first and make your claim afterwards" OK, fine (I know that...!) After filling in all sorts of forms, I went to look for them. Faris was lying on the bed still crying. There was no doctor or nurses in sight. So we just waited there until it was 230pm and a nurse came over and asked what happened. Duh! She then called in a doctor and then the dice starts to roll. The service was so slow! This is an emergency and we're paying... Imagine if we went to the Canberra Hospital. But it was no surprise as when I was here for the first time (Aish has Gastro bug) I had to wait for 2hr plus. Ana said when she was here the last time, she registered in at 10am and was called in to see the doctor at 330pm!! Faris was given local anesthetic and was given 4 stitches. The laceration was 7cm wide and +1cm deep. Ibu Paryanlo and I was with Faris the whole time as Ana could not stand blood and seeing Faris in pain. She waited outside at the waiting room with Aish and Izz. Aish was having fun padding around the waiting room and making friends with a girl named Kathleen. Izz played with Faris while we were waiting for the doctor but he waited outside during the stitching because he said "it's too scary la mak.." After the stitching, since Ana or Ibu Paryanlo couldn't speak much English I had to follow the doctor for some clarification. He explained on how to take care of the wound and so on. I also has to sign a consent form on behalf of Ana saying that she allows the doctor to do the required procedures on her son. He then wrote some gibberish on a piece of paper and told me to take it the the Receptionist. Then the Receptionist gave me the bill. AUD160. 60 for doctor's consultation and 100 for the stitching. Lucky I had some cash with me. Ana did not have any money as she forgot to bring her wallet during the commotion. Send them back home. Fortunately there were no cops doing spot checks. Otherwise I would be fined for numerous offences (3 strikes at once!). Arrived around 330pm. Feel hungry, cooked instant noodle. Izz just want his milk and went straight to bed. Aish sleeps the moment his nose touched the corner of his pillow. Mak called asking how's everything. Told her everything is fine and I feel alive after days of floating aimlessly. The incident today was like a shot of adrenaline that I need to boost my moxie. How to get this kind of jolt everyday...? I kinda need it....

Buah Hati Pengarang Jantung...

Aish dah ada 6 batang gigi dah. 4 atas 2 bawah. Sekarang ni dia asyik tersengih jer. Chomel giler! Puji anak sendiri... tapi betul, kalau p mana2 si Aish ni mesti jadi tumpuan. Kalau kat preschool tu, pantang kalau aku stay jap tgk si Izz belajar, mesti Aish ni kena kerumun dgn budak2 lain especially si Jasper n Bella. Air liur si Aish tu meleleh2 la kat baju dia, takpe "Your baby is so cute...I love your baby! Why your baby is brown? Hi, little brown baby" tak berenti2 si Jasper tu bercakap, sampai aku tak larat nak layan. Yang Bella lak sibuk nak dokong n bagi si Aish tu makan sampai aku lak naik risau. Pernah sekali tu masa makan kat food court kat Westfield Woden ada satu family mat saleh tu asyik tersengih2 tgk kat Aish. Rupanya Aish sibuk melawak dgn dorg. Lps tu one of their kids kata "Can I take a picture of your baby? He`s gorgeous" Ambik la...tu time takder gigi. Masa kat garage sale pun sama. Ada makcik tua tu punya la berkenan sampai ikut kitaorg berjalan keliling tpt garage sale tu, main ngan Aish, sampai aku lak naik rimas. Tapi org buat baik takpe la layan je la... Kat sini je kot chomel, bila dah balik Malaysia takde sapa nak heran dah. Belambak muka camtu kat Mesia. Yg aku dok geram tgk anak dorg kat sini. Pipi dah la tembam, rosy cheeks lak tu dgn mata bulat kaler2 - grey, blue, green, hazel. Rambut lak ada yg blonde, red, chestnut eishhhh... Macam anak patung, gerammmm... tgk rasa macam nak cubit2 pipi dorg tu. Anak aku ni dah la sepet, botak, gigi kapak tp tu la nak buat camna tetap chomel macam mak dia gak (tu tak dapat nak dinafikan) hahaha. Nasib baik la muka anak2 aku ni takde langsung muka bapak dia. Kalau tak lagi sakit hati dibuatnya. Muka aku ni boleh la dikatakan muka international. Ada yang kata muka aku ni macam awek Siam, mixedblood Chinese+Indian, masa p Hawaii jd local sana, p Indon jd local sana, p Australia jd org Cambodia plak. Ini sume sebab aku mmg ada mixed blood. Belah mak aku Chinese+Jawa, belah ayah aku Bugis+Aceh+Siam so no wonder lah kan... Kalau korang tgk adik beradik aku yg 8 org tu lagi best, macam mini United Nations. Ada Melayu, Bangla, Arab, Siam, Cina, Nigga etc. Nanti bila aku balik ni nanti kena amik family picture baru best! Sebut2 pasal family ni teringat kat aruah Tok aku. Aku ni satu pesen sikit, Tok pun aku bagi nick name. Sebenarnya bukan apa, masa kecik2 dulu susah nak ingat Tok yg mana satu sebab byk sgt Tok n I've got a short term memory. Jadi aku bg nama ikut apa yg most memorable ataupun trademark Tok2 aku tu. First sekali Tok Gigi Mas. Ni mak kepada mak aku. Dia ni la source Chinese blood kami. Nama betul dia Suparton @ Asiah. Mana la aku nak boleh ingat masa kecik2 dulu. Dia ni ada pakai gigi mas (sekarang sume nigga baru nak belajar pakai...) so I have this fixation on her golden teeth, kalau cakap ngan dia mesti nak tgk jer gigi dia. Tu sebab aku panggil dia Tok Gigi Mas. Ni la Tok yg aku paling sayang tapi umur dia tak panjang. Kalau aku balik kampung Batu Pahat, the first thing yg aku mesti dengar bila sampai sana is "Mana dia cucu atok sayang, busuk, intan payung tu...?" Lepas tu kena peluk kuat2, cium satu muka yeargh... rimas. Tak cool la kan, tapi bila lama2 especially bila dah Tua, aku lak rasa kecik hati kalau dia tak cakap or peluk macam tu. She really make a fuss kalau kita org balik kampung. Yani nak makan apa? Cakap je apa, beres... nanti Tok buat. My feveret? Soto, nasi ayam, sate' goreng, tempe goreng kicap, kek marble oren, biskut samprit, biskut dahlia, halwa betik and banyak lagi (Tok ni mmg terer masak2 nih...) tp tu yg paling2 aku suka n remind me of her. I miss u Tok! Tok tak sempat nak tgk cicit2 Tok ni. Kalau dia ada lagi mesti dia sayang giler kat Izz n Aish. But bagus gak dia dah takde considering the state that I'm in right now. Mesti dia sedih... Anyway, suami Tok Gigi Mas ialah Tok Medan, sebab dia duduk di Seri Medan. Tu tak yah nak explain la. Rumah dia pergh... jenuh nak pegi kena naik bukit. Lepas tu kena tempuh kebun getah lak tu. Rumah Tok Medan best sebab ada macam2 benda nak ditengok. Ada parit yg banyak ikan pelaga, (kalau kat Johor mmg belambak benda ni) ada kolam air, ada pokok koko, durian, rambutan pendek kata macam2 la. Rumah dia plak ada kolong (tempat mak ngah sorok durian) so masa kecik2 dulu memang seronok. Tak payah playstation kalau nak main, ikut imaginasi n kreativiti masing2. Tapi dulu paling tak best kalau nak ke tandas. Sebab kalau nak buang yg besar kena amik air, bawak dalam timba lepas tu kena naik atas bukit. Ruangan 4 segi ditutup dgn daun nipah dan berbumbungkan langit saja. Kalau boleh memang aku tahan je. Tapi kalau terpaksa gak kena la ajak sapa2 temankan. Kalau aku ajak adik aku teman I'll make sure they sing while waiting sebab takut nanti diorg lari tinggalkan aku n aku tak tau. Seram you... Kalau buang yg kecik, kat belebas kat luar dapur. Lampu time tu pakai lampu gas yg kena pam tu. Kalau nak mandi kat kolam kat depan rumah tu. Kena cedok air ngan timba besi. Air dia, Ya Allah... sejuk giler. Memang kampung betul time tu. Sekarang sume facility dah ada tapi tu la kenangan yg aku rasa susah nak dapat lagi dah sekarang ni... a typical kampung life. Tok Gigi Mas ada adik pompuan, aku panggil dia Tok Hisap Rokok sebab, obviously...dia suka hisap rokok. Dia ni duduk kat Pasir Gudang, baik tapi aku jarang jumpa dia sebab dah masuk asrama etc. Dia pun dah passed away. Lepas tu aku ada Tok Meja Panjang. Hahaha... ni best sebab rumah dia typical Malay house. Rumah dia kat Sri Dayung, ada anjung, tangga kayu tinggi, dapur n ruang tamu yang luas. Rumah dia ni spesel sebab dia ada meja jawa (macam meja jepun tu... yg kaki pendek) tapi meja dia ni extra panjang, banyak plak tu. Kalau balik raya penuh dengan segala jenis kuih muih. Yg aku carik first sekali - lengkong bersakar. Best! Ni memang Tok Meja Panjang je yg ada buat. Lepas tu carik air oren kampung. It's actually a locally made carbonated drinks. Rasa dia lain tu yg best.. especially sasparilla. Kaw! Lepas tu baulu. Baulu Tok ni keras di luar tapi lembut didalam. Cara yg betul nak makan... gigit lepas tu biar dia cair dalam mulut... mmmm, atau telan dgn air teh yumm... Kalau ada marhaban memang penuh, tapi senang la sebab rumah dia besar n cukup2 untuk segregate lelaki n pompuan. Kat Johor Marhaban masih hidup lagi. Last sekali ada Tok Ayam Masak Kicap. Nama dia Tok Mat n dia duduk kat Sri Medan gak. Rumah dia kalau raya memang masak ayam masak kicap ni, ayam kampung plak tu. Speciality dia. Mak punya syok makan sampai patah gigi sebab gigit tulang ayam kampung. So tu sebab panggil dia Tok Ayam Masak Kicap. Tu je yg aku ingat time ni, nanti kalau ada yg lain aku tambah la. Aku dah kata aku ni kan short term memory...Mak ngan ayah la yg suka paksa kitaorg p rumah sume2 Tok ni n sedara mara yg lain. "Nanti kalau tak sedara sendiri pun kau tak kenal". Masa kecik2 dulu mana minat nak pegi jalan jauh2 jumpa org2 tua ni. Dah la kena pakai baju elok2, tak boleh kotor2, kena duduk diam2 (mind your P's n Q's) penat, baik duduk rumah main ke tengok TV ke lagi best kan. Tapi I'm glad that they took us on all those trips. Banyak kenangan manis dan yg penting makan sedap.....

Sweet Torture...

Can't shake this mental block that I've been having for days. State of euphoria doesn't agree with me. I've realised that when I'm happy nothing else really matters. I don't mull over things that I don't have/could have/shouldn't do/need to do etc. I take everything in stride cause I feel Invincible! I'm happy so what else do I need? My brain goes on a vacation. I really do excel under a lot of stress and duress. Typical type A personality - a stress junkie. It's strange, but somehow I think there's more than one personality inside me, and both are at the polar opposite of each other. In one side there's this perfectionist, an obsessive compulsive girl who needs everything to be done in a specific way. And I'm anal about being specific. I'd do and redo something repeatedly till I get the exact picture that I have in my head. Sometimes I'd stay up all nite doing it till I get the exact result. The other side is this laid back, devil may care attitude girl. I'd do something just for the sake of doing it - cincai jelah. Whatever the outcome I couldn't be bothered. I can control these impulses when I'm working, but at home it's simply chaotic. One day you can see me on my knees scrubbing the toilet bowl with an old toothbrush, and the next day you can see all my clothes scattered on the floor. Maybe I just switch off when I couldn't get the perfection that I desire so I just let it go? Same goes with my PR skills. You know how some men fantasise of marrying a librarian that turns into a minx in the bedroom? Well... that's me, and it doesn't work that well in the real world because the librarian and the minx always get into fights and the librarian always win due to public pressure. Hahaha, that's just an analogy. Is that the real me? You have to know me to know that and you wouldn't have asked if you know me and getting to know me is the difficult part. My friend Awil said long2 time ago, when looking at my parents, he can hear the choir singing in the background and mist coming out from the ground they walked on, kira macam very serene gitu. But when I came into the picture, crrrzzzz!!! noises and lights that you have at the end of TV transmissions! Sampai hati ko Awil... he said I'm too complex to be understood, kejap baik kejap gila2, macam Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde. But one thing good about me is that I have a good clear head on me. My advice is always reliable, only my temperament is unpredictable. But nobody's perfect right? Now I've mellowed with age, not so hot headed anymore and more subdued. But that's a catch-22 situation. I'm more at peace with myself but I've lost my edge, my survival instincts. That's what got me in this mess in the first place. I was blindsided by love. Need to learn how to balance everything up now. Wow, I've written quite a lot actually. Well, I've complained to my 'muse' (ok2, I'll say ur name Si MangkukPudding! Hahaha... gotcha!) that the thought of going home has anesthetized my mind to the point of coma, that I don't have anything to write about. So Nas said since I need to suffer in order to write, I'll be tortured when I got back home. Not the painful one, no - I don't need that since I almost OD'd on that one here, but a sweet torture... Don't have a clue what it is but looking forward to find out. Anyway, thanks for the inspiration and jangan kenakan aku sudah....

Family Poem

I Love You All©

By Lamar H. Clack

I have lived to love

and loved to live

but when the love is gone

will my life be over

My heart is filled with love and joy

it beats with every stroke of laughter

My family and friends are the reason I live

When they all move on will my life be gone

Every holiday, every moment I see them

piece by piece my heart will be complete

its like a puzzle of my heart

every person makes a piece

and every piece creates the puzzle

as the years go on

as I grow older in ageI lose a piece

I'm still alive until the last piece

when that piece is gone I will miss you all

for my heart stops beating

my life has come to an end

for this reason I tell you now

every salty tear, every whining weep

is just a cry from inside trying to say

I LOVE YOU ALL

Mis Tres Amigos Queridos

Mis Tres Amigos Queridos
(My 3 beloved friends - The 3 significant N's)


Thank you for your friendship.
Thank you for our friendship
For it means so much to me,
Your kindness and understanding
And loving ways you share so free.
Thank you for being beside me
When I needed someone that cared,
And thank you for all your loyalty
For the times together we shared.
Thank you for our friendship
For it's something even money can't buy,
Thank you for holding me tightly
When there was a need I had to cry.
Thank you for always smiling
When I couldn't smile at all,
And thank you for boosting my ego
For the times I felt so small.
Your friendship I cherish so deeply
So this message to you I send,
May God bless and always watch over you
And may you always remain my friend.

Peace Begins with Me

Peace Begins with Me by Richard D. Marco III

Peace begins with me

Starting over and breaking free.

Peace begins with me

Opening my eyes and beginning to see.

Peace begins with me

Curious about what I am going to be.

Peace begins with me

Knowing I no longer have to flee.

Peace begins with me

Having self dignity.

Peace begins with me

Taking on more responsibility.

Peace begins with me

Because peace is being happy.

And this is why peace begins with me!

A tribute to the people whom I love

I think I'm having a writer's block. I have nothing to talk about and that's pretty impressive for a busy head like mine! That's one of the the downside of being happy. Happy days are here, finally! Happiness makes u think of nothing (well at least for me). For once my mind is quiet as if in a deep slumber. Nevertheless, I do have an obligation to make my mind work. I'm feeling happy cause now I'm just counting the days that my feet will touch Malaysian soil. While thinking that I'm going to be home soon, I realised that I would not have lasted this long without the help of my loved ones. Mak and Ayah especially, if I don't say much to you two its not that I'm ungrateful, it's just that what you have done for me truly are beyond words. Nothing I say will suffice. I'm in awe with your generosity and patience. Maybe the best way to surmise how I feel about you guys is you're what I aspires to be and hope I can have what you two have in the future with my own family. Right now I can only say a simple thank you. My brothers and sisters, for sharing the sentiments and bleed as if they were cut together with me in my emotional turmoil. Thank you guys, hope I would be able to return the favor one day! (That's what family are for I guess) At the same time, I noticed that 3 of my most treasured friends back home in Malaysia has the letter N as their initials! Nora, Nadia and Nas. How weird can that be? These 3 people have suffered endless hours (day and nite!) of me ranting, crying, cursing, all those 18SX stuff (too much violence, colourful and unsuitable language). Things that you can only tell a friend but not to your family because they're too protective of you and you don't want to hurt their feelings or worry too much in the process. Thank you for going out of your way during my trials and tribulations to help me understand, overcome and heal even though we've only known each other for a short while.....