Sweet Torture...

Can't shake this mental block that I've been having for days. State of euphoria doesn't agree with me. I've realised that when I'm happy nothing else really matters. I don't mull over things that I don't have/could have/shouldn't do/need to do etc. I take everything in stride cause I feel Invincible! I'm happy so what else do I need? My brain goes on a vacation. I really do excel under a lot of stress and duress. Typical type A personality - a stress junkie. It's strange, but somehow I think there's more than one personality inside me, and both are at the polar opposite of each other. In one side there's this perfectionist, an obsessive compulsive girl who needs everything to be done in a specific way. And I'm anal about being specific. I'd do and redo something repeatedly till I get the exact picture that I have in my head. Sometimes I'd stay up all nite doing it till I get the exact result. The other side is this laid back, devil may care attitude girl. I'd do something just for the sake of doing it - cincai jelah. Whatever the outcome I couldn't be bothered. I can control these impulses when I'm working, but at home it's simply chaotic. One day you can see me on my knees scrubbing the toilet bowl with an old toothbrush, and the next day you can see all my clothes scattered on the floor. Maybe I just switch off when I couldn't get the perfection that I desire so I just let it go? Same goes with my PR skills. You know how some men fantasise of marrying a librarian that turns into a minx in the bedroom? Well... that's me, and it doesn't work that well in the real world because the librarian and the minx always get into fights and the librarian always win due to public pressure. Hahaha, that's just an analogy. Is that the real me? You have to know me to know that and you wouldn't have asked if you know me and getting to know me is the difficult part. My friend Awil said long2 time ago, when looking at my parents, he can hear the choir singing in the background and mist coming out from the ground they walked on, kira macam very serene gitu. But when I came into the picture, crrrzzzz!!! noises and lights that you have at the end of TV transmissions! Sampai hati ko Awil... he said I'm too complex to be understood, kejap baik kejap gila2, macam Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde. But one thing good about me is that I have a good clear head on me. My advice is always reliable, only my temperament is unpredictable. But nobody's perfect right? Now I've mellowed with age, not so hot headed anymore and more subdued. But that's a catch-22 situation. I'm more at peace with myself but I've lost my edge, my survival instincts. That's what got me in this mess in the first place. I was blindsided by love. Need to learn how to balance everything up now. Wow, I've written quite a lot actually. Well, I've complained to my 'muse' (ok2, I'll say ur name Si MangkukPudding! Hahaha... gotcha!) that the thought of going home has anesthetized my mind to the point of coma, that I don't have anything to write about. So Nas said since I need to suffer in order to write, I'll be tortured when I got back home. Not the painful one, no - I don't need that since I almost OD'd on that one here, but a sweet torture... Don't have a clue what it is but looking forward to find out. Anyway, thanks for the inspiration and jangan kenakan aku sudah....