Used, Refused and Abused. That was how I used to feel about my life and myself. This black episode in my life may seem trivial to some people but to me it's inconceivable. He was supposed to be The One. He fit my requirements like a glove. Religious, family oriented, successful, motivated, smart, artistic (musically), adventurous, self reliant (able to cook, do household chores etc), nice to look at and courteous just to name a few. The fact that he was 13 years my senior and was a divorcee did not deter me because he was quite frank about it. He seemed sincere and earnest on marrying me (at least at that time!) What is past is past. Boy, was I wrong! To quote Dr.Phil - the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. But I was to blame too. I chose him under duress, now that I can think clearly. I want someone and he was available and I think the same goes for him, considering the position he was in at that time... But please keep one thing clear - I really, truly did love him (note the past tense...) The reason we were united may be superficial but the feelings were real (at least for me...) During my uni years, my mom pestered me about not having any 'boyfriends' and had said few hurtful things (that's my mom forte - blurting anything n everything that comes across her mind, mulut takde insurans langsung, but hey... nobody's perfect! And I still love you mak, warts and all hehehe...) It's not that I don't have any boyfriends, I have loads of them cause I'm more comfortable to be one of the guys... but no, I don't have any 'special boyfriend'. I don't feel like I need a boyfriend to make myself complete. I have gay/straight/gauche/lecherous/rich/poor/dashing/ugly boyfriends - all the colours under the rainbow. The fact that there are sooo many type of guys out there scares the s#!t out of me. Maybe guys my age are intimidated by me because I'm very blunt, have a mind of my own, strong willed @ stubborn (ha ha), complex (dual personality - remember the librarian and minx story?) and sharp as a whip too. I don't mince my words, act demure or ladylike and I eat like a horse (figure of speech ok..?). What you see is what you get. Guys that were seriously into me (we're talking about head over heels in love here) were always non malay/muslim guys. Malay guys just doesn't interest me and vice versa. Blame it on my grandmother's chinoise blood. Maybe I should open my options now. Hell, religion doesn't mean anything if you're not truly into it. I mean not only follow the basic rituals (pray 5 times a day, fasting in Ramadan etc) but the spiritual side of it. The purpose of us being here, why is there good and evil, why must we do all the rituals and so on. Religions should bring enlightenment to those who seek it ... not follow it blindly regardless of what they are - Islam, Buddhism, Christianity, Hinduism etc. Most of the time people in power abused their power and that's how we end up with extremist/fundamentalist/terrorist etc. These people doesn't reflect the religion that they follow. In fact they are the antithesis of anything religious. Whoa there Nelly...!!! Now we're talking heavy duty stuff here...Anyway, in short, my people pleasing days are over. Now I'll do what I want to do regardless what is the norm or politically correct. Besides what is NORMAL? What you think is normal may not seem to be normal to another person. It's not that I'm being rebellious (being a rebel at 33 and with 2 kids? Are you kidding me??!! Don't you think that's a bit too late?) Nooo... I'm just tired of following somebody else's mould/definition of something. From now on I'll do whatever I want and follow my heart... within limits of course ie. go backpacking to Europe, work freelance, dress how I want to etc. But don't worry... you won't be seeing me walking down the street wearing a short mini skirt, tattoos on my butt or have nose/eyebrow piercings. If any of you see me as out of sorts have no fear, I'm just testing the waters and finding my bearings. Just stay in the shadows and give me support when I need one and share all my joys and sorrows. And by the way... the librarian in me will keep me on my toes... you can bet on that....
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