Non Compos Mentis....

Sometimes I wonder whether things would be easier if I have a bad streak in me ie if I smoked/drink/do drugs etc. Those things could easily numb my pain or so they said. I wouldn't know because those things are off limits for me. But then I wouldn't learn anything from what has happened because I'd be so stoned trying to drown all my sorrows. However, right now I'm 100% sober and yet my mind and emotions are in a wreck. I don't know whether the heavy feelings in my heart is sadness/ anger/ guilt/ helplessness/ hopelessness/ unworthiness ... what? Everytime when I look at my kids I burst into tears for no reason. Nas and Jeyt said 'it must be my time of the month'. Yeah.. that could be one of the reason since I've been having my PMS but the blood is yet to spill. I'm getting crankier every minute... But the real reason I think is because I've controlled too much of my emotions... I'm dead - emotionally mind you... not physically. I've become a zombie. All my feelings overwhelms each other that they meshed and becomes one feeling that could not point my finger to what it is. Now I just stick to my plan to reach my goal - make him pay! After this I will need some time alone to sort out my feelings. I need to put everything back in perspective. Look into the future and stop dwelling in the past. That's the reason why I wrote this blog. To document all my upheavals and temporary insanity. Blogging has been very cathartic for me and somehow I hope those I love understands what I'm going through or why I did something in a certain way. Even though the things that I wrote here is just the tip of the iceberg (have to comply to U not 18SX) it helps just to get it off your chest, because I'm so lonely here. I want to be angry but I can't. I want to be sad but I can't. I want to run away but I can't. Have to think of the kids and my future. Tried to hold the smile on my face for as long as I could but I can feel my face cracking. I need to feel that I'm loved and valued, because right now... I feel like crap. I know that my kids love me but since they're kids, they do get on my nerves sometimes. And they don't know how to express that feelings yet. My friends and family are so far away... Sigh... Thanks guys for trying to lift up my spirits. I know it's not an easy task but please do it anyway... hehehe. Everytime that we keep in touch keeps me sane. I'm lucky to have Corinne and Marion here because they are my source of comfort. There have been days when I would just go over their place for a hug or just sit quietly in a corner of their sofa staring at nothing and then when I feel better I'll go home. Every moment that I'm here is pure torture because each time I look at UKWho I have to pull the reins on my feelings. His face alone bring forth such a multitude of hatred that I could easily put a knife in his chest, twist it and rip it down to his gut. Imagine how much self control I had to exert in order not to do that. That's why I feel like only my body is here but my mind is somewhere else. Que sera sera....